Polyamory Rules
Rules, Agreements, and Boundaries – Oh, My!
A Three Part Series
I hear many individuals share their rules in ethical non-monogamy (ENM) relationships, namely polyamory relationships. Particularly within the Black and Brown communities. I admit that I cringe inside when I hear that they even have rules. I get it. They help people feel safe and secure in their relationships. Polyamory Rules are specific guidelines or prescriptions set to govern behavior within relationships. However, rules can be broken, and the damage can be scarring and/or irreparable. When rules are broken, so is trust. When rules are broken, so is your heart. When rules are broken, so is your relationship. You can try to piece back together all that broke, but it is not the same. Nevertheless, some come out better than before. Especially when you realize rules do not work.Â
Why do I discourage rules? I am not a relationship anarchist as mentioned in Hardy and Easton’s The Ethical Slut (3rd ed.). I believe hierarchies exist based on each polyamorous person’s preferences and principles, which means that not all polyamorous relationships subscribe to hierarchies. Hardy and Easton describe relationship anarchism as encouraging as little rules as possible, along with discouragement of primary partners and secondary partners. Hardy and Easton also concede that rules tend to be rigid and are often enforced to maintain a certain structure or protect certain aspects of the relationship. In the context of non-monogamous relationships, rules might include prohibitions on specific types of interactions with others or requirements for certain behaviors (e.g., always using protection during sexual encounters).
There are some rules that should be considered and encouraged. For example, how to handle a disagreement. A rule could be to communicate that you want to discuss something that will likely bring discord so, out of consideration, establish a time to have the discussion to allow participants to feel prepared, be in the right mind. Another rule could be that the person holding the talking stick, toy, etc. is the only person allowed to speak. I personally do well with those kinds of polyamory rules. It provides specific guidelines to support better communication. Which, in my opinion, are more like agreements.
